Tuesday, February 24

MATURE

If you believe in perfection you could say today was a perfect day. No drama, no nightmares, no irritable bowle syndrome or unexplainable cramps. I’ve been trying to live without wanting more than what I’ve got, without having unrealistic expectations of men, colleagues or family, and so far I feel my situation has slightly improved. Yesterday I told my Moto taxi guy I might be falling in love with him. I asked if he could please do something to prevent it or I’d go insane. He responded in a very mature and friendly way: he took me to Ikea. There is no other place on earth that makes you not want to settle down or have a family. I pretended to be interested in kitchens, cutlery and multifunctional wooden cupboards. On the way out we bumped into somebody he knew and I felt like I had ‘guilty’ written all over my face.
When they shook hands I wanted to say: “don’t look at me, I’m just a friend.” But I didn’t have to say anything. We exhanged a smile and walked towards the exit, trying to look innocent.

Saturday, February 21

LOVE AND MARRIAGE

There’s a small piece of information that I haven’t shared with you yet: the guy I have been sleeping with for the past months is married. No, I didn’t know this when we first met. All I knew was that he had a thirteen year old son, and there would obviously still be contact with the mother of his child. It turns out that his wife needed a break and now she has decided that she wants him back. Their son has a rare form of ADD and needs his father to be around. I’ve never been in a situation where I’m ‘’the other woman” (it’s such a cliché) and where I feel jealous just because he has a wife and child. He now gets away with “I’m being a faithful and responsible husband” while still having me on the side. Yesterday I felt desperate enough to type “why do men cheat” into google and was quite surprised by the amount of hits I got. If this question is easy to answer (they cheat because they can, because it makes them feel good, because they need a change of menu now and then), the question google doesn’t seem to answer is why women let them get away with it. If it works for me it’s because I need the affection without having a man who controls my life. In theory this would work out perfectly. Because our time is limited it makes it more intense. He gets the thrill of the chase, I get all the affection without having to cook. But in reality it just feels wrong.

Monday, February 16

TRUTH

Valentinesday was almost like a normal Saturday. There was a card from my mother, and a short message from a friend. She sent me this self help book: Men are from Mars, women are from Venus.
All those books give the same warning: don’t ever ask if he loves you, you’ll find out soon enough. If I’m in a relationship I have to ask when he is planning on leaving me. There is no point in hiding any insecurity, he already knows. For the first time in ages Moto taxi guy didn’t perform as I expected him to do. On Friday he announced that he would make me tea if I would get into his bed. When I asked him if he was planning on leaving me he said I was naive. How could a man give a truthful answer to that? Blame it on the weather but something went wrong that night. His equipment failed him, and when he asked if I was dissapointed, all I said was: “how can I give a truthful answer to that?” And then I kissed his cheek.

Sunday, February 8

OLD FASHIONED

If I haven’t written for a while it’s because I was overloaded with work and had the flue. On top of that something very embarrassing happened: one morning I woke up and realised I was falling in love. How can Margot, the unstoppable sex machine, the woman who has no emotions, who is out there to enjoy herself, fall victim to such an old fashioned feeling, one she thought she had forever erased from her life? Maybe it started because of something Moto taxi guy said when I came back to Paris, something about the fear to commit. “I’ve noticed you always buy one bottle of shampoo at the time,” he said, as if he had done some major discovery. “So what,” I answered, not knowing what he was aiming at. “You know that’s a trait of people who are afraid to commit. They never have a collection of toothpaste or shampoo, they always buy one item when they shop.”
It’s something I had never thought of before, but I guess it was a simple truth.
If my fear of commitment even shows up in my non-existent collection of toothpaste, perhaps it is time to move on. I wanted to defend myself but he said: “Look, just think about it, I always buy ten bottles of shampoo at the time. The things I need must be within reach.”
So I had a long thought that evening about what I want from life. We didn’t have sex, even though it would have been easy. For the first time in ages I knew that being close would make me grow more fond of him. I don’t want to change the way I live. I cannot imagine a cupboard full of shampoo.