Monday, May 19


Lately I have been thinking a lot about loss, and what loss means to me. I have lost friends that I thought would be friends forever, and gained some knowledge about people and the way they tend to think. The shallowness of everyday contact still shocks me. Perhaps loss has shaped my identity, defined the person that I am today. Or in the words of the Arab poet Adonis: ‘loss saves us’.

Monday, May 5


On Thursday night I met a friend for tea, gossip and comfort food. It was cold, too cold to sit outside on a terrace, but being tough and European we decided we would. After a few years of being single, my friend now has a boyfriend, a small detail which seems hard to miss. While eating cheese soufflés she asked me about my love life, my plans for the near future and if I wanted to commit. I was focused on the warm cheese soufflés between my fingers, the cold wind on my cheeks, the small pleasures of living in a town up North. My sense of happiness was slowly returning, but I still felt a sense of melancholy, a remnant of a winter that was now long gone. I thought about male companionship, the idea of losing my freedom, and if commitment would be a large sacrifice. In fact, what I really missed was someone who would clean my bathroom, who would make me dinner after a long day at work and bring me herbal tea. So that's what I told my friend: “I guess I don’t want a boyfriend, all I want is a butler with benefits.”